Just in time for the holiday festivities, "flu-mageddon" invaded the Randall house this week with Paul and Luna both sick. Forcing us all to slow down and leaving me to nurse them back to health all while doing everything I can to avoid catching it. Awesome! And while we didn’t have the most productive week of the year, it did provide me with a lot of time to reflect. As clichè as it sounds, the holidays provide a perfect backdrop for reflection. This year my thoughts are ever consuming, as it was around this time last year things with Luna began to change.
My holiday mind is riddled with memories of Luna using the restroom frequently and drinking excessive amounts of water. These memories drive me insane, but also make me feel really sad. I’m sad at how annoyed I became when she made me pull over on the way to her Christmas recital because she was just SO thirsty! I’m mad at myself for not realizing how skinny she was, even after my friends kept commenting on how tiny her frame was becoming. Even writing this now makes me feel like I should have known, but the reality is, I didn’t. And after months and months of racking my brain, trying to make sense of it all, I finally realize that I need to forgive myself. I have to let it go and believe that even though I didn’t see it coming, I was able to recognize that something wasn’t right.
The mind is funny that way. Well, my mind is. It’s easy for me to obsess over every little sign I missed and super hard for me to acknowledge that my strong maternal instincts are what saved my girl. That is a fact. Luna wasn’t in full DKA at diagnosis and doctors kept saying how we caught it early, but in that moment I wasn’t ready to receive the message. All I did is focus on was how this happened and how I didn’t know.
It's heartbreaking to know that last year, unbeknownst to us; we celebrated our final “Diabetes free” holidays with our daughter. I remember we made the most decadent cup of hot chocolate on Christmas morning and drank it "worry-free." I don’t want to think this way forever. I want to remember the smile on her face when the whipped cream got on her nose and the way she closed her eyes when she sipped. I want to so badly focus on those memories, it's human nature to long for only happy memories. The truth is that all memories have value. Perhaps hard memories are easier to remember because they teach us lessons or at very least help us gain perspective.
So while our Christmas festivities have been derailed due to the flu, I’m not going to let it take away from the fact that we got to spend an entire week together, watching movies, making yummy low carb. holiday treats and annoying each other to no end! Isn’t that what the holidays are all about anyway? I wouldn't say that I'm thankful for the flu, but at the end of the day (and in between doses of Tami-flu) I'm thankful for downtime it provided. I'm also thankful that for the first time in my life, I didn't waste my end-of-year recap thinking of ways to improve myself. I don't want to resolve anything. I want to enter the new year loving myself. Which is no easy task! Even writing it, feels heavy. But I'm ready to let go of some guilt and I'm ready to stop questioning the unknown. I'd like to think that we would have lived our life differently knowing that our daughter's life would change in an instant, but I've realized that there's no sense in even thinking that way. What I know for certain is that life is all about moments. We need to remember to live in every moment, try to find the silver lining in even the worst because in an instant everything can and will change.
Merry Christmas from me and this little blog of mine!