When my daughter was still in utero, I read a quote that said, "The days may be long but the years are short." During those early restless months (years for us, actually) it was easy to feel like I was on a hamster wheel. A hamster wheel that stopped abruptly during each milestone, only for a second, to remind me that my little one was growing and needing me less and less. As much as I rejoiced at the thought of regaining a pinch of freedom, it made me sad to see it happen so quickly.
As we approached our one-month "Dia-versary" I couldn't help but think of that quote. Only this time it feels more like the days are weeks and the weeks feel like years. In such a small period of time, we have been thrust into the world of thinking like a pancreas and everything that comes with it. All of my emotions come to a head when I take a peek at our sharps container. The webs of lancets, pen needles and syringes completely make the bottom of the container invisible and heartbreaking. One month, I thought, ONE month! I began to think of all the little strips that had gone into the trash, all those strips containing the blood of my little six-year-old girl. My little six-year-old girl who takes it all in stride and who continues to shine her light through all of this, she has sustained us. I pray every night for a cure, less painful ways to manage it and for God to make me as strong as Luna. So here we are, folks, one month in.
I started this blog as a way to express my feelings and to hopefully shine a light on a disease that is often misunderstood. I posted my first piece a few days after Luna’s one month “Dia-versary.” At the time, I shared it with a handful of people. I was torn whether or not I wanted to continue documenting something so personal and questioned if I was strong enough to put my writing into the universe. After much thought and some persuasion, I decided to go for it.
Writing has always been an outlet of expression for me and my hope is that this blog brings visibility to life with T1D and provides comfort to anyone struggling. It should be noted that I’m no expert and everything I post is my personal opinion or thought unless stated otherwise. The next couple of entries I wrote a month ago. I wasn't brave enough to share them then, but if nothing else these last few months have been one giant lesson on being brave and accepting vulnerability.
I want to take a moment to thank my husband who always encourages me to be strong, assures me that I am capable and loves me through it all. A special thank you to my friend, sorority sister and fellow T1D Mama, Zeida- I don’t know what I would have done without you those first few days and all the days to follow. You and Karima inspire me.
Lastly a few words for my Luna, from the day you were born we joked that you demanded the very best of care, and even though your strong-willed ways drove us to the breaking point at times- I now understand and appreciate your strength. Thank you for being the rule-defying, obstacle crushing, light shining little girl. I want you to know that every sleepless night, every carb I count and weigh, all the hours of research and every word I write is for you. I love you, my girl. Thank you for choosing me to be your mama.