After hearing Luna’s diagnosis, I remember questioning if life would ever feel normal again. The thought of doing the most mundane things felt overwhelming. My brain was instantly flooded with questions. I begin to think of the carbs in every lunch I had ever packed. What about eating at restaurants? Do they provide carbohydrate counts? And even if they do, are they accurate? I found some solace in that Luna has been gluten-free since birth, and is accustomed to making healthy food decisions. Sadly, my little slice of comfort only lasted long enough to realize that even the most gluten- free nutritious foods have carbs. All of which have to be accounted for, to ensure that Luna receives the proper amount of insulin. These daunting thoughts consumed me, all while simultaneously hearing, “Don’t worry you can do all of the exactly same things as before.”
But how? is the "million dollar" question that no one really has an answer for, and how could they? Type 1 diabetes doesn’t care about constants and variables. Type 1 requires hour by hour critical thinking followed by a reaction. Which by the way is definitely not the way I am used to operating!
Being faced with my new reality was and is still very scary at times. Every time I hold that needle up to Luna’s body I pray that all my calculations are correct and that I remember how much activity she had/will have that day. Talk about conscience living! In a few weeks, we will be in the fourth month of our "new normal" and I can proudly say that school lunches are being successfully packed, partly because Luna likes to rotate the same five meals; we have eaten at restaurants and even took a road trip to Tennessee. We have found that with a bit (OK, a lot) of research we can do pretty much anything.
I went to bed early one night during our recent trip to Tennessee. When I woke up the next morning Paul told me he watched Luna dance around the campfire for hours. He also told me that he put her to bed in the same clothes. "Awesome! She probably smells like an extinguished fire pit!" I didn't even complete that sentence before Luna came in for a hug. Oddly, I was greeted with the sweet smell of the shampoo I washed her hair with the morning before.
But how? I asked myself. This time my "million dollar" question had an answer. Well, sort of. Which is simply that not every question has an answer, maybe some situations don’t make sense because it’s not supposed to make sense. Or maybe... it’s magic, this was Luna’s response. Before Diabetes I might have tried to ask more questions or accuse Paul of messing with me. Post-Diabetes, I agree. After all, Luna has proven to be the kind of girl who can take on diabetes using supernatural strength.
That is magic, she is magic personified.
And while I wish I could say that I’m fully content not knowing all the answers, that certainly is not the case. The last few months have really tested our innate problem solver ways. We live knowing that we may never know why our daughter has Type 1 Diabetes. What we do know is that at any moment, we will find ourselves injecting insulin to treat a high or sitting on the floor of her classroom correcting a low. This is what life with Type 1 is like. It’s a big game of 21 questions except without responses.
But despite all the uncertainty, I’m hopeful that one day there will be a cure. I'm hopeful that parents like Paul and I will get the answers and that kids like Luna will get to witness that magic.